Here are some of Jack Handey's Deepest Thoughts
("So deep they squeak."):
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it."
"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse,
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
"I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires and then
back inside the hat is at least a decade away."
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures,
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting
"If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton
it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby."
"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's
"When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain
And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV."
"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
looking through your stuff."
"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why
not add a
slice of lemon for freshness?"
"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure
owed me a
lot of money.'"
"Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for
many things besides walking in the snow. For instance, it can be used
carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can
used to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally,
can be used as a kind of strainer, where you force pancakes through
strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow."
"Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets
life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune
a little torture."
"Let's be honest: isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really
"The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of
when I thought, "What am I doing?"
"The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. Uh-oh, he thought. This watering hole
reserved for skeletons."
"I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking
many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that
mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense."
"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed
up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse."
"You know what makes good hair for a snowman? Real hair. Don't
why, but it works."
"One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if
you open a
box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face."
"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like
once, because the faster you go the later you think you are."
"You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers
feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across
"Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half?
gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way."
"One thing about my aunt Nadie: she was gruff on the outside,
but if you
ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it
"It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the
like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains,
where some were probably hit by cars."
"I don't say that the bird is 'good' or the bat is 'bad.' But
I will say
this: at least the bird is less nude."
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